Nameless

A few things have happened and I'm meant to go back home today. I should be there now, really.

For the first time that I can remember, I don't want to actually go home. It seems too much hassle... Everything I have is here... My friends need me...

I don't wanna go back really. Still undecided as to whether or not to catch a late train or just go tomorrow. Will I be in a better mood tomorrow?

*Sigh*

I just feel like when I get there, I will be bored. I have no games to play on the computer, no films to watch.. Jess isn't even there so I can't make some sort of fun out of pissing someone off.

But if I go back tomorrow then I'll have to walk home. With a huge fuckoff bag.
:(

It looks like this:



I still look fat but it's better than usual ^_^

But:


Is mine, as from Thursday. And it actually fitted me quite well. Next Monday we're going to the pub dressed up in our slutty outfits, gonna be IMMENSE.

I'msoexcited!

I realise I'm being incredibly unproductive, so here's a list of things I gotta do today:

1. Write in my production blog (ARGH)
2. E-mail Tom RE: production blog
3. Find more research for essay.
4. Get up to 1,500 words on aforementioned essay. (Sunday)
5. Edit CV and send off to that weird woman
6. E-mail my tutor RE: my radio feature
7. Unblock shower drain
8. Print off stuff from work experience that I've done online (scan in as well?)
9. Clean room
10. Wash up
11. Wash clothes?
12. Shower.
13. Finish essay!! [Added Monday] - YAY :D
14. Attempt to clean bathroom [Added Monday]
15. Start cleaning kitchen [Added Monday]

Note how personal hygiene comes last. That's dedication for you.

Edit @ 9.10pm: I totally failed. Feel very unwell, want to sleep :(

Edit Monday 12.43pm: List carried over to today, cos I've done 1,872 words and need to get 700 more done by tonight, so I can go to the Ann Summer's party upstairs :)

Just arrange a threesome with me in it and not tell me.

WTAF? Do I not get a say in it? (Which would be "er, no, fuck off") Why would you assume that someone wants to have a threesome with you? Genuinely what the fuck. I should probably be flattered but I feel quite disgusted (and yet amused). Hahaha.

And apparently it was all my idea... God some people chat so much bullshit, it's unbelievable.

I hate borrowing; I hate crowded places; I hate not being able to find things; I hate bright lighting; I hate not being able to relax. The library is genuinely my idea of hell.

I can't find the name of a fear of libraries.

To shag an archaeologist by the end of this year.

Today was insane.
I don't quite know how, but I ended up being the editor for the first practise news day. To be perfectly honest with you, I spent most of the morning freaking out, making awful decisions but the first bulletin was AWESOME and came together really well in the end - the second one was a complete mess. Mainly because people didn't actually re-edit their stories, so I was changing them at like five to 3, or people were late in sending it to the ENPS, so I didn't know how much time we had to work with. Oh, and our Sports Desk guy wrote a one minute piece when I specifically told him to cut it down to 30 seconds. GAH. I ended up dropping two stories literally last minute, but then they got read out anyway. What.A.Mess.

Thing is, though, it's always the hardest to do the most important job on the first week. You have no experience to go on. And given that I had a massive hangover, and felt more like dying than going through everyones copy and checking it was all okay/sourcing stories/making editorial decisions, I am really pleased with myself. OH, and basically I was producer AND editor AND reporter for the day (- W T F ?) because the producer didn't do any of her jobs she was meant to do.

It's annoying as well because as editor for the bulletins, anything that goes wrong is automatically your fault. So, I was hungover, completely not prepared for doing one bulletin, let alone two with just over an hour in between. But, you know, I'm really proud. It came together for the most part, I reckon.

The feedback was good. Apparently we had a good idea of what our audience was. Why was that, group? OH YEAH, cos I decided to run stories that everyone else didn't want to put in. Alzheimer's, doorstep scammers and railway stations baby!

Luke seems to think he'd be a better editor than me. Well, I'd like to see how well he does when he's still drunk/hanging, and has no idea what he's doing :)

Lack of comprehension on the David Kelly front.

This is not good. I have 4 days.

I can't decide if I am still drunk/hungover/stoned, or if this is what feeling normal feels like, because I've forgotten. :/

Haha, anyway yesterday was quite good (until, you know, I decided 7 sambuca's was a good idea..) and after a nightmare journey where I nearly murdered two small children, I'm back home. It's still cold, and I haven't seen anyone at all...Guess they're all out.

One good thing that happened, was on the train yesterday, I began writing my essay on the whole David Kelly thing. It's looking alright, actually. I just need to think of more conflicting ethical issues arising out of revealing your sources..

Mmm also, Simon is shockingly beautiful, I'm not sure if I'm glad I was right or not. I can be satisfied that I was right, but it's annoying. Hahaha.

So I lost interest in the tampon story, and the royals, and the phone tapping scandals, and I couldn't find anything on princess diana's photos of her body, nor George Michael and his toilet incident (though I fear I hadn't actually been using the search function to it's fullest ability, and basically was just limiting my search terms by accident)

Decided, if I can figure out exactly why it's unethical and why it's such a big problem, that I'm going to do the whole David Kelly/Hutton Report thing. I understand the importance of not revealing your sources in general, but I don't understand what he actually said to Gilligan that made him kill himself. Was it national security stuff? If anyone can shed some light that'd be great... I'm still trying to figure it all out, to be honest.

Ah. Right. Found it - wikipedia is my friend :)

At my disposal, and yet I still can't find the article where it was revealed that Prince Charles said he wanted to be a tampon.

I need it for my work. :(

My email got hacked, or something. Some dickwad sent off spam from my account.

And the weather is making me feel really depressed. I hate winter. I should probably go and see a doctor, but you know, I'll get the same old bollocks I suppose. I dunno - is the system failing me, or am I failing myself?

Aren't you JUST adorable? ^_^

I'm really really really angry.

I wanted to smash my guitar up. But it's nice.

So I just decided to delete a load of people from facebook. You know, people who you meet and you're like oooh cool lets add eachother on facebook and then you realise you will never see eachother again, or people who you don't like but got guilt tripped into adding, in the misguided belief that you might like them more when they're on your friends list.

I also deleted my prliveson account.

I'm tempted to delete this, tbh. I'm fucking sick of everything. And I hope Ben really hurts himself. (I was going to say 'dies a horrible death' but to be fair that's really awful; I'll just settle for him breaking his leg)

Now to cry and sleep.

I couldn't be less enthusiastic about dragging my arse out of bed today.

Youth programme day. We have to do it live; we have no script. We don't even have a title for the programme, let alone graphics for the titles and credits - which I said I would be happy to do, but it's too late now. Although from what my group told me, we're going over the time of 5 minutes, to about 7. How this happens I don't know. All I know is that I'm anticipating a huge argument along the lines of me justifying exactly why I've done sweet fuck all.

Where do I start - at the point where I was working on my package, which is worth 4 times more than the youth show, and thus a priority for me in terms of marks? I mean, what's the point in putting effort into a group project when your individual one is due in the day after, and is worth 20% as opposed to 5%, and you need to get it done.

Or do I begin at the point where I tried to contribute, Ben wouldn't let me (with the whole "I'm not your mum", "I'm too busy to click a button but not too busy to argue with you for ten minutes" facebook thing), and then when I was actually around to help out, nobody listened to me..?

Because yeah, once again, nobody has any set roles. And I don't mean to sound funny, but you don't see at the end of T4 "Programme created by *list of names*", they all have their own roles so they KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING. I've been banging on about having set roles for a decent fucking reason, but nobody wanted to listen. Once again.

is taking it's sweet-ass time.

JESUS, it's only 1 minute and 20 seconds long!!!!

My booking for the camera has been rejected, WTF!?

I have an interview in an hour and a half. What am I supposed to do now?!

I'm still in bed. I was meant to be at Uni for 9 for my group meeting, and then 11 for shorthand.

How do you explain to someone who has never come across depression before, that you need more sleep than normal, that you can't physically be awake, that when you are, you can't function because you can't stop crying? How do you explain why you feel like this? "what's wrong" everyone says, but the point is that nothing and everything is wrong at the same time.

Nobody really 'gets' it. It's so frustrating but what I need is some downtime. I need to have a few days of sleeping for 18-20 hours. I need to cry a lot. There just is never any time. I need to be here and there, I need to do assignments.. The world doesn't just stop for you to heal and recover, and it's not fair because everyone else is fine, and I'm constantly ill, always behind. Will I ever be well?

I sometimes wonder if Uni is a good idea.

I wish I would grow up. (In the respect that I accept things for how they are...)

I'm sure I'm getting there, but there are always times when you can catch a glimpse of the child inside me, screaming "It's not fair!", "I can't do it!", and creating arguments and getting angry about things that can't be changed.

Must learn to become more accepting and less antagonistic.